October 10, 2010 - Give to recieve...

Accept me, embrace me, cherish me...as I am

Yes, maybe I have been damaged once upon a time and maybe I am a little jaded now because of my experiences.  Maybe I do not trust as easily and do not share as freely as I once did.  Maybe someone took a part of me that I will never get back.

But just maybe, my experiences have made me grow and be that much stronger and have contributed to who I am now.  I am proud of who I am today and what I have accomplished all on my own.  Maybe I was bent but I did not break no matter how hard they tried.  It has been said that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and it has, I have had to draw upon myself to get myself through, recover and rebuild and yes, prevailed in the face of darkness.  Maybe I do have some fears and insecurites as do we all.  As do you...

Maybe this means that you will have to be a stronger man, that I won't come easy to you, that you will have to work for me, earn my trust and deserve the love that I have to give.

Maybe only then will you have all of me, only then will I completely open myself to you and completely surrender my whole self, my heart and soul to you.

Be willing to sacrifice all that you have and be willing to go to the ends of the earth for me, if that's what it took.  Provide for me and my children everything and anything that we need.

I am worth it all, I want it all and will not settle for anything less.  I have my weak moments when all I want is to feel that strong embrace that I once did but I cannot and will not go back to what once was because that is not enough for me, I want and deserve much more...

A strong man will realize that and will give to recieve.  I want everything....

There is no other quite like me, I am irreplaceable.  He who captures my heart and soul will not try to extinguish me but will raise me higher.

Everything that I want is everything that I will give...although I am not easy, there is no other like me and I what I have to give is so worth it all.

Just maybe you need to open your eyes, and then you will see...

September 26, 2010 - Belong

I don't feel that I belong here, but cannot go back to where I came from...I do not belong there either

It's very unsettling not feeling like you belong anywhere, or I guess I should say not knowing where it is that I belong..

I thought that I belonged here, with you...It felt so right and I was so sure that you were the one for me.  We were great and matched each other but you betrayed my trust and hurt my heart time and again and yet I still loved you anyway and hoped that you would return to the man that I fell in love with... I am not innocent either, so I shouldn't really be feeling hurt, yet I am..

Every time I feel my heart melt again, I am reminded again of why I should protect myself and stay away... Our relationship used to be so great, I so loved and looked forward to being with you.  I always looked forward to us spending time together, no matter what we were doing.  You always accused me of only wanting you for you cock, and yes, I absolutely loved the sex..I loved all of you for you.

I have so much love in me to give, and I want it all.  I need to be with someone who will love me as I love them.  Not someone who takes and takes leaving me feeling drained and my needs unfullfilled, but someone who puts my needs first..as I would for him.  Someone that would go to the ends of the earth for me, for my love.  Cherish and protect me, that I feel safe with.  Someone who would be the role model and friend that my children need, and any other children what we may have together if we so chose..

Someone that I would grow and evolve with together and as individuals, who stimulates my mind and my heart and my body..all in one.  My best friend, my lover...my everything, as I would be for him.  Someone that I share a connection with like none other.

So when will I meet who I belong with?  When will I be where I belong?

March 30, 2010 - Feeling down..

For the last couple of days I have been feeling pretty down and I just can't seem to shake it...

I am confused and don't understand what there is about me that makes someone want to hurt me.  I wish that I didn't feel so much...I wish that I could turn my heart to stone and not care..but I do, I care so much.  Too much for my own good.

I wish that I had someone else to count on besides myself.  I am a strong women but everyone needs someone to be there for them sometimes too, even me..

I am tired of smiling and pretending that I am so happy, when I am not to make someone else feel better and not have to worry.  I am tired of being the strong one all the time.  I take care of others all the time, who takes care of me?

I know that I am whining..lol  I am human too

February 23, 2010 - Frustration..

You know what I find so frustrating?  Is seeing him advertising himself, looking for something that he already has but for some reason, refuses to embrace?  Everything that you seek in your ads are the same as what I do, the relationship that I want with you is what you are advertising for.

I AM THE ONE THE ARE LOOKING FOR!  EVERYTHING THAT YOU SEEK IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN HERE IN ME, HOLDING MY HEART OUT TO YOU..JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO TAKE IT.  YOU HAVE NEVER TAKEN THE TIME TO REALLY SEE IF THE INTENSITY YOU ARE LOOKING FOR WITH ME! 

You have pushed me away time and again, rejected my love again and again.  You sit there and whine and complain about not feeling full and feeling lonely and empty, well that is something that you have done to yourself!  I have proven myself to you again and again. YOU are the one not only depriving yourself and me of the fullfillment and loving relationship that we both seek.

Honestly, would it really be that horrible to be intensely in love with me?  To have me completely fullfill you in every way?  You and I both know that I am A, B, C & D...the only reason you felt unhappy is because of yourself holding us both back from the relationship and future that we both want..with each other.  There is no substitution for me and the love that you can experience with me.

Now I feel empty and alone, unfullfilled.  I won't go back to what we were because I deserve much more then that from you, I want what you want..with you.  I miss you!   I always thought much more of you then this, I always had faith that once you finally got over everything that happened, you would be ready to move on with your life with me and the wonderful future that we could have together. 

Before we even met, there was a connection between us and when we met there was passion and magic.  You know you felt it too, I loved being with you!  We enjoyed being with each other and looked forward to seeing each other every week and chatting every night.  I loved getting to know you and experiencing us together.  Was I getting too close?

I want you and need you and love you...come to me, be with me..  Give us the real chance that you never have.  I am so sad and feel incomplete without you...

February 12, 2010 - Enlightenment..

I have decided that I am not going to try and force myself to date someone just to try and get my mind off the man that I love, instead I will do as I had orginally thought and concentrate on the things that I would like to improve upon of myself and my life during this time.

It's pointless for me when I have no interest in being with anyone else, only him.  I only want the best of what he can provide and the best of what I can provide for him.  The best of both the vanilla world and the BDSM world for us both.  For me to obey and serve and please him in whichever manner he should desire.  My total submission to him, as his slave, his property.  His personal sex toy for him to play with as he wishes.  Also, to be acknowledged as his girlfriend to the outside world.  His best friend and confidante that he can share any feeling or thought with.  My only want is to be with him...

I cannot and do not wish to have sex with anyone either, I have to have intimate feelings for that person.  The person that I have those feelings for is him.  I love him immensely.

I had been feeling insecure in our relationship for awhile now and I know that it has affected the way that I have behaved around him.  I had previously felt very secure and special to him and was completely being myself around him, I wasn't worried that he still wanted to be on the dating websites because I was confident that I can and was fullfilling his wants and needs in every way.  It really shook me when he cheated on me with another woman and then proceeded to have a relationship with another.  It was absolutely horrible to have him go behind my back that way and definitely had an impact on my feeling of security in our relationship, trust in him and even my self-esteem.  I became this person who constantly questioned and worried about whether I was the only one, that is not the person that I like to be or am.  Even when he reassured me, I still worried and asking him made me feel like I was pathetic in his eyes.

I miss him so, I want him so...I want to be A, B, C and most of all D for him.  I wish as I've always wished, that he would choose me and the beautiful future we could have together.  I would like us to either start over with each other and build or for our relationship to evolve and move forward. 

February 11, 2010 - Empty

I am so depressed, here I am, so in love and yet so sad...  I miss him so, I miss being with him.  I miss being in each other's arms.  I miss the smell of him, the feel of his touch.  I miss his voice, his laughter.  I miss doing home reno stuff with him and just everything..

I figured okay, that I would try going back on the dating websites and move on, find someone else to help me forget the one that I love...maybe meet a new love.

But it has failed, I can't even bring myself to actually meet anyone, I just have no interest, they are not him.  None of them appeal to me at all, I only want to be with him...

Why oh why did I have to fall in love?  With all my heart and everything in my being, I love this man.  I feel such a strong connection with him, emotionally in tune with him.  I usually already know how he is feeling before he even tells me.  I get him, everything about him I love.  Even when I am exasperated with him, I still love him for who he is, himself.

I so wish that he would open himself to me, accept and embrace my love and return it.  Want me as passionately and intensely as I do him.  I have been holding back from him because he says that he already feels overwhelmed, I love him.  I meet his needs and wants as much as he has allowed me too, I give as much of myself as he has allowed.  I haven't even been completely myself around him, I act different around him.  I thought that I was being the way that he wanted me to be, instead I was apparantly only annoying him.  He says that he doesn't really know me, maybe that's true..  He gets frustrated with me at times because I have been deferring to him on pretty much all decisions.  I was only doing that because I do like too-I think he is really intelligent and I admire him very much so and value his take on things, but mostly because I thought that's what he expected of me and I very much wish to please him.  I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions and choices, I am quite intelligent and can and have been taking care of myself and my children on my own for years now.

Even with all of this, he gets me and understands me as no other has.  I still believe that we are meant for each other, the best match for each other in every way...I wish that he saw that as well.  But he closes his eyes and his heart to what could be the best part of his life, has always held us back, not allowed himself to feel because it would mean a different future then the what he envisioned for himself.  Does he ever stop to think that this different future with me and my children would be much more fullfilling?

I won't accept less then what I am willing to give, I want it all and I want to give it all to him as well.  I can't go back and be back to where we were...I need us to move forward, I have waited long enough.  I have self-sacrificed and put everything in-it's time for him to do that for me..step up

January 14, 2010 - Journey..

I had always been curious about the BDSM world, always turned on a little by dominant men and intrigued by the dynamics of d/s relationships.  I had never shared that with anyone, much less someone that I was with.

I came across this man, who turned out to be interested in the same thing on a vanilla dating website.  I was drawn to him in many ways and he wasn't even my usual type at all, but I found him to be quite intriguing.  The more that I uncovered the more I wanted to know.  We connected..

He drew me in with his talk of what he wanted in a slave, the things that I began to yearn for.   Also, the more he taught me about what a d/s relationship between us would be, the more I wanted to know and especially to experience with him.  It was so natural for me to be submissive to this man, we just fit each other.  When we met, we had a very magical, passionate night and were together since.  We would spend weekends with each other and very much looked forward to being with each other. We would chat almost every night and I looked forward to those chats.  I loved getting to know this man.  I loved hearing about his day, about his projects..his thoughts and feelings.  We always had interesting conversations.  He stimulated me...

We matched each other quite well and our relationship felt good.  He made me feel special, beautiful, important and intelligent.  With him, I overcame some of my fears and insecurities.  He didn't belittle me for them.

But then things had happened that I was unaware of and unprepared for, I didn't know to handle his pain..I just wanted to help him and move forward with our relationship and he just wouldn't give it a chance to see what he would feel if he let me in .  He would not open his himself to me and would do things that didn't even do anything for him, in order to push me away.  Everything that he wants is in me, I am the reality and he is not prepared to be able to handle that.  I wish that he was because I love him so.

I gave and gave and he took, I wanted to give more but he held me back to a point.  I'm not sure when/why he stopped cherishing me and appreciating me, when he started taking my love and loyalty, my submissive self for granted. 

I've never done anything to deserve any of this, to deserve his cavalier attitude towards me and everything that I have to offer, my heart.  His constant rejection has left me feeling unattractive and that maybe I'm just not worth giving a chance too.  That letting himself go and being in love with me, would be the worst thing ever.

I feel sad and numb, I cry alot..I am in so much pain.  I pretend to others that I am okay and smile but I'm not.

I am stupidly in love with him.  I think about him being with someone else and opening himself to someone else, giving them the chance to really be with him when he never did those things for me.  That I put the effort, the time and my heart into him and our relationship for him just to go and offer someone else the relationship that he scorns at having with me.  Someone that hasn't done anything to even deserve or earn his love, whereas I have.

He is right, our relationship cannot change unless he wants it too.  We cannot return to what we were because relationships need to evolve and grow or they will stagnate and die.  Ours did evolve and grow but not in the way we both wanted because he decided before even giving it a chance to see what would be, that I did not fall into what his picture of his future was because I have children, so he decided that he would not be falling in love with me, regardless of the fact that I do meet his needs and wants, that I do provide him with everything that he is looking for.  That I am his match and that he is mine, in every way.  Well what did he expect was going to happen then?

I am angry with him for this, for depriving both of us of the true relationship that we could have been having already.  The happiness and fullfillment that we would both feel with each other, the love.. 

We need to either have a fresh start with our relationship with both of us going in with open hearts and minds, or move forward onto the next step of our relationship together, again with both of us having open hearts with each other, being fully comitted to each other in every way.  For him to not only fully acknowledge to others that I am indeed his love, but also to acknowledge that to himself.

He said that he cannot do this anymore, that's fine, I can't do that anymore either..I refuse to go back to that.  I want to be with him, but fully be with him..to have a loving, fullfilling, comitted relationship with each other.

When we talked and he invited me over the other night, I thought that I might have finally gotten through to him and reached him.  Then when I came there, I felt nervous  like I did the night we were going to meet.  I didn't mean to come across as cold when I walked in the door, I should have just given into instinct and dropped my stuff and just thrown my arms around him and kissed him the way that I wanted too...I was just nervous and I was afraid that I would muddle it up...

I am glad that he said that he didn't regret asking me to stay with him, playing with me that night or us having sex the next morning.  I am glad that I kept my eyes open as he asked me too, that I did make that effort to let him see inside me and that he said he did feel more with me.  It was the first time I had done that in our entire relationship and I cried after, I really bared myself to him more then I ever had and I was just overcome with emotions...

January 5, 2010 - The way that I feel..

I've hated being without him, a big piece is missing,  but am no longer willing to settle for less then what I deserve and want.  I refuse to mollycoddle him anymore,  It's time for him to step up and show me that he is worthy of my love.  For me to be his slave, his partner, everything that I bring and do for him. 

He kept me there with the promise of our Master/Slave relationship really coming to fruition and our relationship maybe having a future, was he just leading me on?

Because if he ever did have any intention of actually seeing where we could be he wouldn't have kept me at a distance, he would have gotten off the dating websites, he would have brought me around as his girlfriend, he would have cherished and appreciated me and what came with me.  He would have done those couple things with me, that he did with others.  Listening to him telling me about the things that he did with others, for others used to make me feel so bad, especially when he scoffed at any mention of doing those things for me.  What an utter fool I have been..

People kept telling me that he was just using me, that he would not love me, that he wasn't the man that I thought he was.  But my heart and my instincts said otherwise, so I followed them..

This makes me feel so bad about myself, am I really that unworthy of being loved?  Why do people take advantage of me, use me when they need me, hurt my heart.

He never did give our relationship a chance, never let it really get off the ground.  He decided that I didn't fit his picture of what he wanted for his future so I guess he felt there was no point in even seeing where it could go.  Kept me at arms length, kept me away from friends and family, shunned me as if I wasn't good enough.  You wasted so much time, we could be very happy, could have been already very happy and enjoying life together.

All I did was love and understand him, stood by him and did everything that he allowed me too meet his wants and needs in every way.  To please him..

He says that he has A, B, & C with me, but not D...not the emotional intense love that he wants to feel for someone.  Well what did he expect when he continuously rejected it?  When kept pushing it away?  Because he is afraid..

I just feel so hurt and lost.  I trusted, I opened myself to him, gave him my heart.  I am so dissappointed. 

I loved him and took very good care of him, I compromised alot for him and our relationship.  There was alot of effort put in.  I think about him, the way that he would touch wherever and whenever he pleased, how much I enjoyed him doing those things to me.  The things we would do together, sexually and otherwise.  I absolutely, honestly loved it and him. 

He says that I am so sure and that he wishes he could be, well guess what?  Life isn't sure, love isn't sure...I am confident in how I feel for him and that I believe that we are great for each other and would have a great life together but there is alot that I am unsure about, that I am afraid about too. 

I completely entrusted myself with him, I invested in him in every way....  My Master, my love, my lover, my best friend....he understood me in ways that no one else has, he got me, in tune with how and what I am feeling and I for him.  I miss him so much.

 Except when he was doing the pushing away, he did make me feel special, made me feel good about myself..even when I was feeling insecure.  That I mattered...

I know that I do deserve and need to be loved, cherished, respected and appreciated by the man that I love as I do for him...

I bared my soul to him and told him that I need him and love him.  I meant it, I hope that he saw that in my eyes when he was inside me...God help me..

December 31, 2009 - Sad de Moi

Woke up this morning crying, just feel so down, still crying.  Felt so down and depressed yesterday as well and the day before and the day before.  I was happy that he contacted me, he misses me and I miss him too. 

Can't shake it, tired of just going through the motions day after day, pretending that my world hasn't crashed and that I am the happy, cheerful girl that I am when we are together.  I had thought that maybe I had finally gotten through to him, maybe I have, but he is not ready to do anything about it..won't let go of his safety net that he keeps around him to let me in, this breaks my heart.   I totally and completely opened myself to him yesterday and let him look into my soul.  I wish that he would let go of his fears and inhibilitions, that he would trust in me, in us and have some faith.

But I shouldn't have kept pushing like I did, I just hate that he is wasting his chance wtih me, at true happiness and love.  I'm sorry....

I am glad that we spent the night together, I've missed him so.  He is worried that doing so may have made things worse, but it hasn't.  That doing so is giving me the wrong message about moving on with my life and he is wrong.  I am and have been moving on with or without him-but I still love him very much and need him just as much, time apart hasn't changed that.  It doesn't change the way I feel about him nor has it changed the way that I know he feels about me.  Having him being away from me hasn't lessend the amount of love that I have for him and I know that he loves me.  Maybe I shouldn't have played with him that night instead of just enjoying snuggling with him and having sex with him in the morning, because he says that causes confusion for him.  I  just miss that intimacy with him, being with him.

I'm not going to go anywhere tonight, I don't feel like being around a bunch of people pretending that I'm okay and happy.  New Year's is about celebrating the end of one year and the the beginning of a new one with all the possiblities to look forward too, really what do I have to look forward too?

 He is the only one that I would want to celebrate that with and he doesn't wish to celebrate with me...it hurt me so much for him to reject me again..

December 22, 2009 - All I want is the best of you..

December 18, 2009 - Everything & more..

I love him, in spite of him..

He is everything to me and more...being with him is so natural to me.  Devoting myself to him and his wants and needs always has and still feels so natural to me.  I want to take care of him and have him take care of me.

I loved to be in his arms, he held me so tightly...like he didn't want to let me go and I didn't want him to either.  It just feels right..

But I can't settle and neither can he.  I want love, companionship, acknowledgement..if he can't give that to me.  Be with me wholly......

I wanted him today, so much.  He wanted me too, but held back.  From all that I offer him.  I bring alot to the table and have so much more to give, I need it brought back to me.  He is everything that I want and everything that I need.  I am everything that he wants and needs, but he won't let himself go..

I'm not accepting of that anymore, he is not going to have me feel insecure about our relationship and me worrying anymore.

I love him with all my heart and soul.  It's hard for me to lay my emotions out in the open, but I have tried too with him.  I am afraid of the power he holds over my heart..

I'm happy that I saw him today, I'm glad that we talked with each other and were open with each other. 

December 15, 2009 - Choices..

I've had some clarity and have come to a realization..

He has made the choice at this time not to love me as I have children and this does not fit into his future plans, and that is his choice.  He feels that there may be someone else out there who may be a better fit for him then me.  He also feels that there maybe someone that will meet my needs and love me the way that I wish to be loved, a better fit for me.  As long as he wonders this, he cannot fully be with me.  He has not and will not allow himself to invest in us.  He needs to explore and see if there really is someone that would meet his needs better then me, that would understand him and be there with him, for him better then me, that he would love more then me.  Unless he does that, he will always have that doubt in his mind and heart.

So at this time, so I understand what he is meaning by needing to be apart.  He does need this space and time to explore, if he finds someone that is a better fit (or I do) during this time, then that is that.  At this time, I need to concentrate on myself and my children.  I really don't wish to be with anyone else at this time.

What is meant to be will be..if he finds someone else, or if he comes to me with the realization that I am truly the one for him and vice versa.  I cannot and will not try to sway him, I have not contacted him unless he has contacted me first..except on his birthday.  I haven't stopped by or begged him to come and see me, I haven't come up with any excuses to have us see each other.  I am giving him the space that he requires at this time.

I do miss him and I do truly love this man, but am no longer willing to accept anything less then a true relationship, where I am acknowledged, cherished and loved.  I am willing to start with small steps, but no longer will I be making excuses/allowances.  I am willing to honour and obey better then I ever have, given that these needs are met ....I need to be met halfway...

December 14, 2009 - His Birthday...

Tears rolling down my face again, waves of grief wash over me..

How could I have let someone get so close to me to be able to hurt me like this? 

I woke up this morning from yet another dream of him, this morning that I should have woken up beside him.  It was his birthday yesterday and we were supposed to spend it together.  He had even taken the day off, I had special plans for us.  Instead I only spoke with him on the phone, I asked him if he still wished for me to come with him and he said that he was okay, he didn't want me to come..  I sent him flowers, he said that no one had ever done that for him before and it was one of the things I had already planned for his birthday.  I always put effort and thought into his birthday.

The first year we were together, I knew how much he enjoyed playing the bass and that he wanted to fine-tune his technique, so I suprised him with a bass lesson.  He was very happy and really enjoyed it.  The second year, I made him Jerk Chicken with Rice & Peas from scratch...I had gotten the recipe from an older Jamaican woman that I worked with.  He enjoyed this as well. 

Next weekend he is planning on getting more peircings done and some stranger is going with him, I would have loved to go with him and have a day out there.  Instead he's going with another woman.  The thought of him being with someone else kills me inside.   He is the man that I love, the man that I wanted to share life with, experience with, grow with..as a couple and as individuals.

I know that we both need this time apart, space and maybe even to be with someone else to be able to see what we really do mean to each other..but it hurts.  He is my everything and all and I had so wanted to be this for him.

Where is his heart and his soul? I don't understand how he could have been with me for so long, share intimate times with me, laugh with me, then just walk away.  I gave him my heart and he just handed it back to me like it was nothing.  Was I really nothing more then just a sex object?  My time, my effort, my faithfullness and loyalty, my love meant nothing?

I am more then good enough, for him and for anyone else.  I am worthy of his love, as much as I do still love him..is he worthy of mine?

December 5, 2009 - Worthy..

All I feel is sadness, instead of feeling better..I seem to be feeling worse.  I cry every day, I have nightmares.

Why did I ever let someone get so close to me?  To be able to hurt me?

I feel so sad about the things that we still hadn't done, the things that we did.  We were supposed to go away together again, I worked so hard to wrangle the deal he wanted, all for what?  What a waste...he could at least have waited until after we came back.  I was so looking forward to going with him again, We had such a good time together last year, there's no one else that I can imagine going there with.

He was the only one who really saw me, he understood me..he got me.  I tried with him, even when it was hurting me..I didn't give up.  I made him my priority and I worked at our relationship. It made me happy just to be in his company, to be held by him.  I liked being his little sidekick as he took me along with him.  I loved holding hands with him wherever we walked.  I loved him playing with my pussy, my breasts, even my bum.  I loved how he felt inside me...especially feeling him orgasm inside me.  I have no desire to have sex with anyone else.  I took myself off of the dating website.

I stood by him through everything and always would have.  His needs were met, except emotionally and that was his own fault because he never let me in.....He made that decision not too because me & my children didn't logically fit into his plans.  Now I am the one who is hurt.

He asked me once if I would ever purposely hurt someone and I said no, because I just couldn't do that.  It never occured to me that he would.  I trusted him with me.  I never did anything to him.

I need and deserve to be cherished and loved.  To be respected and honoured as I do.  It really took alot for me to let him in, to let someone that close to me....to have my love thrown back in my face.

It was really good seeing him the other day.  I wasn't going to call him back, I didn't know if I was ready to see him....  I thought I would just completely fall apart in front of him because I've been having alot of anxiety attacks and have had a hard time controlling them.  Thank God I didn't.  As it is, I humiliated myself before he left, I was weak and wanting to be with him so much. 

Didn't he see that I was already vulnerable when he met me, as he got to know me?  I had already been hurt so badly, why hurt me more?  I try very hard to be strong for myself and others, I needed that back.

I know that relationships evolve and even sometimes end.  That's a part of life.  I do understand that, if the relationship doesn't evolve and grow, then it stagnates and dies.  I just hate that he didn't give ours a chance, he didn't let it even have the chance to see what we could be.  He kept me seperated from his friends and family.  Into his mind and his heart, share his inner most thoughts and darkest secrets with me.  Why be with me for so long if there was no love?  I know that there is, he just decided logically that I didn't match his plans so what was the point in seeing what a future with me could be, well sometimes plans have be adjusted or altered.  It doesn't mean that you won't reach your goals, it just means that you are taking a different route then the one you had envisioned to get there. 

I took a risk with him and gambled with my heart.  I didn't know quite what I was getting into at first, but I felt such a strong intimate connection with him, almost from the start.  When I did find out what was going on, I wanted to go, but had faith and stayed instead.  Believing in him..  I invested everything in him.

Yes, I made mistakes and I'm far from perfect.   I truly am sorry and deeply regret when I displeased him.  I tried to follow what he wanted me to, when he actually communicated it.  It was hard, because mostly I learned what his expectations were as I went.  I was more then willing and able to be trained by him, molded as he wished but still be myself  and manage things in my life that I needed too.  That is what I wanted as well.  To serve him and be of use by him in whichever way he saw fit.  To be his slave, his partner, his friend, his love..everything all in one.

I hate that the way that I'm feeling.  I hate hurting.  Sometimes it feels like he gets pleasure from my pain.  He said that he cares and I know that he does still, but I feel tossed aside.  I just hate that he has taken himself completely away from me.

It seems that it was so easy for him to do this, that he doesn't even miss me at all, that my time, effort and love was nothing to him at all.

Even with all that I am feeling, I know that space and time apart is what we need at this time, although I miss him so...I have been very good and not contacted him at all. 

I am strong and have been through worse.  I have alot to offer someone who is worthy of all that I have to give.  I thought that he was worthy, his actions of late has shown me that maye he maybe he is not the person that I thought he was..

As for him, sometimes you have to lose something before you realize how much it really was worth....

December 4, 2009 - Today

He came to see me today, to bring back my stuff and get his...I dressed nicely and did my hair and make-up.  I wanted him to have this as the memory of me, what he has lost.  I was planning on just giving him his stuff and then saying good bye.  But then we started talking..about our relationship, about us as individuals.

He told me that he knows that if he wanted to have sex with me, that he could.  I said maybe not.

I broke down at the end, I was pathetic and said that I just wanted to be with him in any way that he chooses...ultimately I know that I couldn't accept that.  I love him and need all or nothing.  I miss him..he really was my everything and all.  I feel numb...

November 30, 2009 - Today

Today was pretty hard, when I woke up to find that he had taken me off F as well, I just couldn't stop crying..I felt so horrible.  I am glad that he did put me back on..

It's been weird picking clothing and stuff in the morning, I always tried to dress in a manner that he would like, to please him.  I don't know what to do with myself, I feel very alone.  I've barely eaten, the food even though it smells good, just doesn't interest me and it's an effort to chew it, so I have a couple of bites and that's it.  Liquids seem to be okay though.

Nothing is of interest to me right now, I tried to delete my profile on the dating site..but I couldn't figure it out so I hid it instead..

I miss him...

November 30, 2009 - Friendship

Now he doesn't even want to be friends with me on Fet?  He taken off all of his profiles everywhere..

I don't understand what I have done so terrible for him to just be able to toss me aside like I'm a bag of trash, I was with him for almost 2.5 years..they weren't horrible years.  I think that I was pretty good to him.   Did I really mean this little to him?  If so, where is his heart?  Where is his soul?  Even just the compassion for another human being, much less someone that you were so intimate with...

I had invested alot of myself in him and our relationship, had faith in him/us and believe in him/us.  I mean I even moved here...

Maybe I was completely wrong about him and what type of man I thought he is.  It's enough that he broke up with me, but to not even be friends after the time that we have spent together.  I would have thought that we would at least be that.

I understand why he wanted this break, it's been a long time coming and we both needed at least some space to explore ourselves and other people.  I didn't have the strength to do that, he did.  I don't wish to be with anyone else at this time, I am taking some time to myself to get everything in my life in good order and be with my children.

I love him and it devestates me that he has done this as it is, but please at least be my friend...

November 28, 2009 - My Everything..

God I miss him already, the smell of him, the taste of him..the feel of him inside me..

I don't know what to say, I've tried.  I put in the effort.  At the same time, I know that I've done wrong and been irresponsible which has greatly disappointed him and myself.  I kept saying that I would do better but kept letting things get in the way of what needed to be done..

He is everything to me, my best friend, my lover, my Master, my love..just everything.  I feel numb.  He never gave us a chance, never let me be with him wholly. 

My only desire was to be with him, love him and serve him as he sees fit.  But he never let me in...I feel sick to my stomach and my soul.  My hands are shaking.  I feel cold.  My heart is hurt.

My baby, my love..all of me I give to you...

Mon Amour

August 24, 2009 - Tonight

Tonight I am sitting here waiting for my Master to come over, I was so excited to see him as we've both been working alot the last few days.  I've so missed him and I love to sleep beside him...

He came in very stressed tonight and I feel that I inadvertantely added to his stress by asking him if he wanted to go to a Munch.  He was upset with me for suggesting it as he does have more important issues on his mind.  I just thought that it might be something that he might relax and enjoy.  I definitely did not mean to irritate him....

Now he's gone home.....I'm so sorry :(

August 15, 2009 - Enough..

There are some things that you just can't take back, you can't go back and erase what you've done..how you've hurt...

I can't stop the tears from coming when I think about him taking another woman to this intimate event, the one that he should be taking me, the woman that he is actually with to.  What has this woman done to deserve to go with him, that I haven't?

Things have been going well with us lately, we've been spending good time together.  I've loved sleeping beside him...

I want to call him and ask him to either not go at all, or contact this woman and tell her that she cannot go with him.  Be truthful and tell her that I'm not okay with him going with another woman, that he values our relationship too much to lose it over this...

I don't think I will though, he knows how I feel, I have already told him how I feel....  He can still fix this now, but afterwards...I think that it might just be too late...